So as everyone (who’s seen them) knows, Star Trek movies can be a mixed bag. To date, there now have been 11(!) of them, from Star Trek: The Motion Picture way back in 1979, to the ‘reboot’ of Star Trek in 2009 with an all new cast playing Kirk, Spock, McCoy, etc.
Of these movies, the rule of thumb has usually been even-numbered movies good, odd-numbered bad-to-at-best-mediocre. So by that rule, you have the second (Wrath of Kahn), fourth (The Voyage Home) and sixth (The Undiscovered Country) being the good movies with the original cast, and the first, third and fifth (*especially* the fifth) being very lame and/or plodding/boring.
Moving to the TNG cast, we have Generations (great villains but not enough to save the lame plot and they should have killed Kirk at the start of the movie, not wait until the bitter end), First Contact (easily among the best Star Trek movies), Insurrection (more below but plodding and obvious, basically an extended TV episode) and Nemesis (a decent return to form, even if it meant Data pays for bailing out the Enterprise crew this time with his life).
Finally, 2009’s Star Trek – which actually follows a not-dissimilar plot to Nemesis (crazy bad guy with huge-ass ship and a chip on his shoulder bigger than the Gamma Quadrant, bent on making Earth PAY) but with an all new cast excepting Nimoy (much to Shatner’s likely chagrin). While I felt that many of the actors chosen here look a bit too young to be playing those roles, I guess they are in fact largely the same age(s) as the original cast was back in the original series – they just don’t have those bryl-cream 60s ‘dos (sorry Kirk) so don’t look as ‘old’? Dunno. Plus i’m older than all of them (sad) anyway. But a very entertaining movie nonetheless and definitely looking forward to the sequel.
But I digress – this post is about Star Trek:Insurrection (the 9th movie, second-to-last with TNG cast) – and since this is an odd-numbered movie, set phasers to Expecting Disappointment.
Where to begin? So we join our heroes assisting in some sort of surveillance on a remote planet of what appears to be a quiet small town of regular looking, yet alien people with gardens, playing kids, etc. Kind of looks like a Seattle suburb (with the faux-Roman pueblo-like structures and ‘marble columns’ everywhere) without the cars or electricity. There are Federation people plus some stretchy-faced aliens manning the cloaked spy post. Then Data literally goes nuts and blows the ‘cover’, by which the locals find out about the operation and the spy installation on the overlooking hill, etc. It’s at this point the rest (Picard, etc.) all get involved – the Enterprise gets called in, somehow running into Worf along the way (they never explain why he showed up, save to complete the TNG cast for the movie, apparently) and they slowly (not kidding) begin to move the plot along.
So they disable Data’s craziness by singing show tunes from HMS Pinafore to trick him (wtf? Is this the Simpsons?). They have several obligatory ‘deep thought’ scenes where Geordi sees a sunrise with ‘real eyes’ for the first time (oooooo) and Data gets lectured by an otherwise token alien kid about how to have ‘fun’ (somewhere else in the galaxy, Wesley Crusher is laughing maniacally). Picard starts getting getting out the space Cialis for one of the native chicks (far too many of these ‘discussions’ at various points in the movie – should have listened to Elvis instead). And Riker/Troi literally take a bath together as they try to rekindle their romance from TNG? Nothing near as interesting for Dr. Crusher (who just gets to watch Picard try to score with the local more than once and briefly talks about boobs with Troi – I am not making that up). Worf at least gets to beat up some bad guys later and zap things occasionally, and Geordi gets to have some ‘Scotty moments’ later in the Enterprise engine room while people are flying around the room and the computers spray sparks and steam(?) – are the computers on the Enterprise powered by dry ice now? 🙂
Somehow amid all these distractions, the crew find a ‘holodeck ship’ on the planet with a fake version of the Seattle suburb in it – immediately Picard guesses the (other, stretchy-faced) aliens’ plot – they were going to kidnap the suburbanites onto this ship and take them off the planet for some weird reason – which ultimately turns out to be that the planet itself makes you stay young/immortal (another tired Star Trek plot device used since the beginning of time). Picard sticks this factoid back in the Admiral’s face and gets his shiny bald ass handed back to him (well, metaphorically), so he slowly, cut-it-with-a-knife symbolically takes off his command uniform for a Wilson’s Leather jacket, packs up some phaser rifles and tries to sneak down to the planet without apparently telling anyone. The rest of the cast ‘bust’ him as he’s trying to leave, and of course most go with him (that’s where most of the future dialog lines will be spoken, after all) except Riker and Geordi who stay behind on the likely doomed Enterprise.
But of course you know, THIS means war – so the bad aliens start chasing Picard and the suburbanites around on the planet while the aliens in orbit go after the Enterprise. Our proud flagship proceeds to get its ass kicked pretty well (at one point it is headed for some sort of nebula cloud with SMOKE pouring out of the engines) before pulling some nerdy stunt at the last minute to save the day (of course). It’s funny how AFTER they throw away the ship’s warp core (propulsion) and sustain damage from the attacks and are flying through some volatile dangerous space cloud that THEN Riker decides to go on the offensive? Kind of like waiting until all your tires are flat and your car is almost out of gas to drive your pregnant wife to the delivery room? What makes it even worse is that at one point Riker calls up the ‘manual control’ option – and an XBox Joystick rises up dramatically from the console (#$#@%*&!>??) and he proceeds to pilot the entire ship like an arcade game? Again, not making this up.
Meanwhile, back on the planet, Picard still hasn’t gotten laid, and those pesky stretchy aliens figured out a way to beam him and his alien missus up to their ship after some slow-hiking ‘chase’ scenes (unlike the heroes of Lord of the Rings, *these* suburbanites apparently aren’t familiar with the concept of ‘running’ when confronted by alien spaceships flying overhead shooting lasers at them). Now captive himself, Picard then proceeds in the time-honored Star Trek strategy when captured: GUILT the aliens into submission, using shame-filled pontification and lecturing. And (not) surprisingly, it works on the ‘regretful’ key alien baddie. Unfortunately however, the ‘non-regretful’ key alien bad guy only becomes MORE intent on blowing everyone up, of course – like Ricardo Montalban, he is a man of action.
But because apparently the budget wasn’t expensive enough for Paramount’s taste yet, we are treated to some scenes of spaceships flying around getting set up for the big bad-guy system blow-up – which it turns out is a false start, because Picard, Worf and the regretful alien baddie somehow TRANSPORTED the ‘really’ bad alien and his crew to the HOLODECK to trick them. Far be it from me to question, but everytime I’ve seen ANYONE ‘beam’ anywhere on any Star Trek in history – they always somehow knew (or I guess, suspected) they were being ‘beamed’ – except until now. Naturally this drives the key baddie into a REAL killing frenzy, which is resolved by (only) himself getting sent over to the main ship charged with blowing up the system, where Picard follows shortly and they have a crappy shootout/clamber-around chase until Picard saves the day (this mano-a-mano ‘climbing battle’ was done far better, more brutally and believably in Serenity three years later – sorry guys).
So then the day is saved, the suburbanites go back to their car, bar and electricity-free Tuscan Village, and Data plays in the hay with the token kid. Picard (of course) ditches his local honey without actually consumating anything (gag), promising to come back and use up his 300+ days of accrued vacation time when he gets the chance, but of course the Federation needs him the most right now. The rest of the crew smiles on as they beam up and fly away in the Enterprise, which seems all repaired already? Little does the ship know its impending doom in the next movie…muhahahha! It’s almost like they wait to make the next movie by the same amount of years it would take in ‘Star Trek time’ to build a new Enterprise? So that’s good, Picard CAN use that accrued vacation after all – everybody wins!
What more is there to say? Well, there were some elements in this plot that weren’t horrible, but too much cornball or tedious stuff overwhelmed them in the end. It was cool to see Anthony Zerbe (both an Omega Man and Matrix veteran, if you can believe that) again as the naive Starfleet Admiral who ultimately gets his from the key alien baddie (big surprise). The (new) Enterprise looked pretty cool and had a new Captain’s Gig small ship that drops out of the saucer section – although its inability to kick ass was pathetic – isn’t this the *flagship* of the fleet? Finally, I like Patrick Stewart, but does he have to be in almost every scene? It reminded me of the TNG finale (where he *is* in every scene) – why make a big deal about having a bigger cast than the originals (TNG vs. Kirk/Spock/etc.) when you end up largely ignoring them for most of the movie? Data of course (assuming the Spock role) gets a lot of screen time although some of it is fairly lame or tedious – but he gets payback (kills himself) later in Nemesis anyway, so no biggie there. I realize that it’s tough to handle a big cast *and* give them all something to do *and* make it interesting *and* live up to fan expectations *and* do it in only one movie without the extra time and character development that a series can provide, but….
Ultimately, I think where Star Trek succeeds or fails is when the balance of action and plot move along nicely without getting overwhelmed by too much lecturing, Shakespeare quoting (you laugh, but it’s true) and/or techie tangents (the holodeck, time travel, aliens that can completely take over the ship in less than 5 min. of arrival, etc.) that can derail the viewer in short order. Here, the Shakespeare quoting and time travel are nowhere to be found (good), but the pacing and believability of the plot vanished into deep space with them (bad).
I originally set the DVR to record Insurrection this time because I was thinking it was actually Nemesis (brain fart, big time). So i’ll have to roust that one up and report back soon – it’s probably the only one left I haven’t seen more than once or possibly twice?
candybowl
